Getting to “happily ever after” with a military service member isn’t a destination, but a journey where regular maintenance is required, Jacey Eckhart, editor of Spousebuzz.com and critically acclaimed author, told a crowd of around 150 military spouses May 7, 2013, at The Clubs at Quantico.

In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day on May 10, 2013, the Marine Corps Family Team Building program aboard Marine Corps Base Quantico hosted Military.com’s Spouse Experience. The hope was to demonstrate the base’s appreciation for military spouses and help them tackle issues that are relevant to their lives said, Stephanie Taber, family readiness program trainer for MCFT and organizer for the event.

“Military spouses serve everyday and are the type who will just give because it’s their role and it’s the right thing to do. Yet, they don’t expect a ‘thank you,’” Taber said. “We wanted to do something for them — something that was unique, fun, casual and light hearted.”

Guest speakers, who are also military spouses, spoke candidly about issues that military couples commonly face and how spouses can navigate them. The main speaker, Eckhart, author of “The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family,” took a strategic approach, offering spouses three steps to obtain what she calls a, “ridiculously happy marriage.”

In the first step, Eckhart stressed is the importance of knowing when to reframe household roles. 

Generally, when a military member deploys, the spouse takes on the major and day-to-day responsibilities, Eckhart said, adding that conversely, once the troop returns home, spouses often struggle to relinquish those duties.

“Service members often say they can’t find their place in the family, because [their spouse] won’t let go [of the dominant role],” Eckhart said. “[Therefore, military members] don’t know how to get back in the flow, so they end up standing in the way.”

With roles unbalanced, frustration and resentment can build. However, Eckhart said if spouses can mindfully allow their military members to readjust back into their roles, even if they aren’t great at it initially, it will creates a healthy household dynamic.

Secondly, spouses were advised to avoid the blame game — a lesson that proved to be easier said than done. To reveal how easy it is to engage in a “tit-for-tat” war, organizers paired spouses into groups of two and then gave them a typical marriage problem.

Each time the “spouses” accused one another, they were to pass a stuffed toy “Honey Badger,” which represented blame.  At the end, after some passed the “Honey Badger” more than a dozen times, participants learned how effortless blaming can be. It’s a habit that may also become cancerous to a relationship.

“No marriage can survive constant blame,” Eckhart said.

Vicki Anderson, licensed psychotherapist and columnist at Spousebuzz.com, regularly works with service members and their families on critical issues. She said constant blaming is normally the side effect of something more serious. 

“Usually, blaming is about something bigger than a small issue,” Anderson.

Lastly, spouses were encouraged to regularly reflect on attributes that they appreciate about their military member.

“You have to cultivate a sense of fondness and admiration for your spouse,” Eckhart said.

Taber believes programs like the “Spouse Experience” are vital to the Corps’ mission and readiness. 

“Ensuring that we take care of military spouses is just as important as equipment readiness, medical readiness and training readiness,” Taber said. “It’s kind of like a three-legged stool, if you take one of those legs away the whole thing comes crashing down.”

Staff Writer: afelton@quanticosentryonline.com